When Should I Seek Help?

Sometimes the emotions of loss, grief, rage, anger, and depression following a breakup become overwhelming. Many people find that they are unable to function, or realize that they are becoming effectively depressed. Whether depression begins situationally or chemically, when it takes hold sometimes it is absolutely necessary to seek therapy in order to pull oneself out of the black hole.

How Do I Know If I'm Depressed?

There are many types of depression, and the most common misconception is that you must be "feeling depressed" in order be diagnosed with it. Many depressed people look or seem (and even feel) mostly happy/normal. It's not always about mood. There are many signs and symptoms that need to be present in some combination for at least 2 weeks. Not all need to be present for someone to be depressed. Here are some useful resources:

Mayo Clinic

The Lowdown on Depression

Men and Depression

Women and Depression

Depression: National Institue of Mental Health

Firsthand Stories and Experiences

Chris Rose a columnist for the Times-Picayune (New Orleans) was always a skeptic on depression and therapy and finds himself consumed by it after Hurricane Katrina.

Why Would I Want Therapy If I'm Not Depressed?

Even if you are not clinically depressed, the breakup might be stirring up all sorts of emotions and issues you hadn't really dealt with before. Breakups often are a catalyst for intensive introspection; some people prefer to do this on their own, but often when the issues coming up are bigger than your ability to understand and sort through them, therapy is an incredibly useful tool to do that. We can only go so far on our own- it's well known that when it comes to ourselves, we have a blind spot for seeing and dealing with some of our most relevant weaknesses; an objective professional can call you on your shit and help you figure out where your stumbling blocks come from and how you can truly change old patterns. A therapist can provide an objective, trained, structured space for untangling and uncovering all the causes, behaviours, emotions, patterns, and history behind the breakup (and your role in it).

Many times, sadness over a breakup is related to (and compounded by) other things: What was it in you that contributed to the relationship ending? Why did you pick the person you picked? What are your patterns (good and bad) in relationships and is this working for you? How can you change the things in you that end up getting in the way?

This is particularly useful if you seem to find yourself in similar situations time and again. Do you find yourself saying "I can't believe this happened to me, again!" or "Gee, this is eerily similar to how things happened the last time around." (eg. picking emotionally distant/emotionally unavailable partners repeatedly). The truism "old habits die hard" could not be more applicable to our love lives...it is very, very difficult to break out of old patterns without some fresh, new insight and concrete strategies to do so.

Does Psychotherapy Really Work?

There is a huge range and variety of psycotherapy techniques. In the past, the mental health profession has been criticized for not utilizing enough 'evidence-based' techniques. For those of you who are more science-minded, an approach called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy might appeal the most.

"Because cognitive-behavioral therapy encourages the development of concrete, specific goals and has specific, testable techniques, it is an approach to counseling and psychotherapy that is easily researched. It is the most researched psychotherapeutic approach, and, therefore, the most "Evidence-Based".

Mental health professionals who practice cognitive-behavioral therapy tend to be scientific-minded. They are drawn to pursuing evidence and science. They want to utilize an approach that has proof that it works." From National Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists

What is CBT?

CBT entry on Wikipedia

Other types of therapy:

Traditional therapies

Alternative approaches

Literary resources

Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness In 1985 William Styron fell victim to a crippling and almost suicidal depression, the same illness that took the lives of Randall Jarrell, Primo Levi and Virginia Woolf. That Styron survived his descent into madness is something of a miracle. That he manages to convey its tortuous progression and his eventual recovery with such candor and precision makes Darkness Visible a rare feat of literature, a book that will arouse a shock of recognition even in those readers who have been spared the suffering it describes. (From Amazon.com))

• Widely regarded as one of the most excellent, well-written, literary guides to depression. For the philosophers, intellectuals, and literati.

Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel Elizabeth Wurtzel writes with her finger in the faint pulse of a generation whose ruling icons are Kurt Cobain, Xanax, and pierced tongues. A memoir of her bouts with depression and skirmishes with drugs, Prozac Nation still manages to be a witty and sharp account of the psychopharmacology of an era. (From Amazon.com)

• An extremely compelling, relatable memoir of the author's own struggle with depression for the Gen. X and Yers.

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt If He's Just Not That into You told a woman how to spot a man who's not really interested in a relationship with her—and how to deal with it proactively—this follow-up is for those, male and female, who've been blindsided by a breakup after thinking Everything Is Fine. Speaking less this time from a guy's perspective and more as someone who has been dumped and survived, Behrendt tackles the often inevitable symptoms of a broken attachment: the obsessive thinking (and calling and e-mailing), the crying, the debilitating depression (and its effects on one's job performance), the crazy acting-out, the food and spending issues, the friend burnout. (From Amazon.com)

• From the author of "He's Just Not That Into You," this book is a humorous pop-psychology look into breakups and a light-hearted way to look at the recovery process.

How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams

• This is a book that can be used more as an inspiration or comfort when you're in the midst of a breakup and provides some useful guidance as far as the 'stages' of the grieving process and how you might be 'taking two steps forward, three steps back.'